*sigh*

Ok, so I stayed home yesterday. Mainly because I just didn't feel like going to work. So, I'm gone for a day...and my boss freaks out because the shot comes in I was working on with one of the studios and all the sheets are ecru. Now, come on folks...do I sound like the sort of person who would idly stand by and accept ecru sheets instead of colors when there were colors to be had? No, of course not. BUT, since I was gone, my boss has to stick his nose in and insist on halting production on the shot and harassing the merch's assistant. So I come in today and explain what's going down, and he's like "I don't care. I want colors." I say ok. I go and try to get colors. Merch assistant says "I'll try." Then he comes back ten minutes later and says..."No, sorry." And my boss calmly accepts it. My word that I have tried is apparently not enough! Grr. I hate it when he doesn't trust me to do my own job. Arrrgghhh!!!

Ok, rant one over. On to rant two...

I'm doing this curtain spread. And so I am having to go back and forth a million times between the merchandiser and assistant and my boss and myself. I feel like any time I actually try to get anything done I get stuck in this massive roadblock of inefficiency. And, you know, I am not the most efficient person. So when I say something is completely inefficient, that's pretty bad. I can't get anything done without having to do the hokey pokey. More arrrrghhhh!!!

*whew* I feel better now, don't you?

Ummm...

I've been trying for about 45 minutes to come up with something to say. Unfortunately, I can't. So, I am saying this and giving up. heh

Date night

So, for the last year or so, Todd and I always make one night a week our "date night". Lately, that's been Monday. I really like doing this, and I would suggest for any particularly busy couple, making a point of spending time just the two of you and whatever you decide to do together is a good idea. It is sometimes a struggle, because of the differences in what Todd and I consider fun things to do. (Me, boardgames or quiet time. Todd, movies or sex.) But, I think in some ways, that struggle is part of what makes it special. It's nice to know that someone loves you enough to give in from time to time. Yes, it's usually me giving in, because let's face it, I am just not as loud as he is about what I want. But once in awhile, he does, and I really feel like he loves me. Don't get me wrong. I know he loves me. But, I can be a little self-defeatist, and I think sometimes people only love each other when it is easy. One thing I remember very distinctly about Todd and my's relationship discussions early on is that I told him I didn't want to be with someone who thought divorce was a good option. I didn't want to be with someone who would give up on me. No matter how hard it got, I always wanted to know that he was going to keep trying. And, as I sit here thinking about it, he has.

He has always been there, though hardly ever in the way I expect. (That's kind of a fun thing about him.) He supports me completely. And I think that's something that I haven't really appreciated about him enough. I've had my share of health issues and he has always been there for me, holding my hand even when it was rougher on him than me. He's always somehow made ends meet. We're not rich. We're just starting to creep into the "doing ok" spot. He helped me through school, and he never complains about doing those things for me. Yes, he complains loudly about many other things, but never about standing behind me and helping me when I can't help myself.

He's a good man. He's not anyone's picture of ideal, by any stretch, but...that's ok. I think I would rather be one of the few people to really appreciate his wonderful qualities that he hides so well behind the facade of brusque. And you know, he does love me. Even when it isn't easy. I'll have to remember to come back and read this when I think he doesn't.

Not a bar-hopper.

So, last night Todd and I went to a concert in Milkwaukee. (Todd Snider {That's who we saw, not who I went with.}) It was pretty much a horrible night, due mostly in part to this new thing I have of being unable to hold down any food. Also, I've discovered that I hate bars. This one was full of idiots who were so loud while we were waiting for the music, and during the opening act that I think I actually had the beginnings of an anxiety attack. I didn't tell Todd, because he was overly concerned with my comfort and if he knew we would have insisted that we go home. So, Todd Snider didn't even start to play until like 9. We got there at something like 7:00-7:30, after a two hour drive. And I wasn't about to have come all that goddamned way to not even SEE the guy we paid to see. After he started playing it was ok. Most of the people shut up, and I managed not to puke.

Otherwise, it's been a great start to my day. My friend just told me everyone in that IRC channel is bad mouthing me now 'cause I left. So, fuck them. A lot. You can lie all you want to, but it doesn't change the fact that you are all idiots and gamers. And, I'd tell you the same damn thing to your face.

Good boy Nathan. Way to obey your sister.

A nice end...

...To what had been a terrible review. I finally got to talk to my boss about what he said in my review. I'm satisfied that I'm not a horrible person being put upon by a horrible company now. Due in great part to my boss' ability to do what I need work on. The upshot of his saying I needed to work on my sensitivity and diplomacy efforts isn't with the merchandisers, but within my own team. It actually stems back to the fall, during which time I was struggling quite a bit with depression and anger due to some issues between Todd and I. I knew that it was affecting my work performance, and making me snippish, and I tried to keep it under control as best I could. However, apparently some of my team members felt I stepped on toes and bruised egos. I obviously didn't tell my boss that's what was causing my issues, but, I know it is and it makes me feel better.

On top of that, he said that he had really pushed for me to get my promotion in spite of that. The reason I didn't is because of some of my health issues. I've missed quite a bit of time in the last few months, and that reflects badly on my devotion to the company. ;) Which, I'm sorry, not much I can do about that. I'm not about to try and drag myself to work and do a shitty job when I'd be better off just making up the time later. And I do make up the time. So, I'm not upset, and I got a decent raise considering the numbers are tanking for the spring season. Also, a very nice bonus. :) I'm satisfied.

Plus, I actually got a good bit of work done yesterday, and feel really good about the layouts I have sent out. I'm starting in on my bedding spreads, rather than the sheets and such, which makes things easier. Sheets are a bit of a pain in trying to do new things. I mean really, how many ways can you fold a sheet?? Anyway, one last thing...

Nathan. Get off your butt and write in your blog already.

Revelations

I had a conversation with one of my Neopets pals today. I've been feeling kinda sorry for myself, and pouting about my lost friends. But, this friend is pregnant, having serious issues with her boyfriend with no family to turn to or friends to go to if things go sour for her with her man. Kinda kicks me in the head over my pathetic issues. She's scared and hurting, but she still is so excited about the life she is going to be creating. It's impressive and thought provoking.

I'm a bit annoyed about my review. My boss says that I am not diplomatic or sensitive, yet, today he comes over and tells me how all the merchandisers love working with me. Sooo, which is it? I always make the merchandisers feel like they are getting their way, even when they aren't. I'm sort of annoyed about the whole thing. Hopefully when we actually go through them together, I'll find out what he really means. *shrug*

My head hurts like a mofo today too. I am so tired and ready to go home. Only another 45 minutes. I'm tempted to just go. *sigh*

Honesty

I've decided that people who say they are honest are almost always going to be the people who will lie to you the most. When you think about it, it actually makes sense. Truly honest people admit that they have been dishonest in the past, and that they might be again in the future. There are times where lies are more helpful than the truth. For instance, when your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband asks you how something looks, and you think they look like a crayola factory exploded on them, you don't have to say so. The tactful thing to do is to say something along the lines of "That's very interesting, but I really love it when you wear your blue shirt with those pants. I just think that looks so much prettier/better/handsome." Both answering the question and offering a suggestion of what might be more pleasing to your eyes (and let's face it, everyone else's too). Or, when someone is hurting over a loss, you tell them that the person/animal is in a better place. I'm not sure there is a better place. But, pretty lies are better than an ugly truth sometimes.

I'm reminded of the end of Angel season 5. Illyria from time to time assumes the form of Fred, and Wesly tells her never to do that again, because it is a lie. *ahem* "The truth is that Fred is gone. To pretend anything else would be a lie. And since I don't actually intend to die tonight, I won't accept a lie." I love the fact that he says this, because just a little later, when he is faced with imminent death, Illyria asks "Would you like me to lie to you now?" And Wesly agrees, Illyria changes to Fred's form, and it is one of the most moving death scenes I have ever watched. I won't tell you all that is said, because it would cheapen it.

My point of course is, that despite Wesly's desire for truth, in the very end, he wants the pretty lies. No one wants to hear painful things, even when they are good for us. There are times when we will have to hear what is hard in the bluntest, most painful manner, but honest people understand that. I think those who claim that they are cruel because it is honest hide behind that token to give themselves an out in their inability to be kind or caring when it is needed. You don't tell a child that their father is dead and gone and they will never see them again. You don't tell a person crying over their lost dog that "it was just an animal." Lie to them. Lie to me. Hurt me only when necessary.

If you say you are honest, you probably aren't. You're either too dishonest to admit your faults, or too unkind to use tact when it is appropriate. I'm not honest. I'm human. I have lied, and I will probably lie again. Maybe to spare your feelings, maybe to spare my own. I'm satisfied with that. I'll leave you with one final quote.

“I appreciate people who are civil, whether they mean it or not. I think: Be civil. Do not cherish your opinion over my feelings. There's a vanity to candor that isn't really worth it. Be kind.” --Richard Greenberg